Jone Rush MacCulloch
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Poetry Friday: The Journey of Revising

10/1/2020

 
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So glad to see that Tabatha at The Opposite of Indifference is providing all the poetry goodness this week.
I've been taking a poetry class through Georgia Heard's The Poet's Studio. It's a reminder if the importance in connecting with other poets during this crazy time period of history.

For the final assignment, we focused on the music and sounds with poetry.  Given the option to revise a poem, I chose Grandmother's Garden. I was surprised today to discover I actually wrote the original poem, almost ten years ago! 

we waited for moonrise
atop the roof
while the beets grew
lesser moons below
in the garden soil
we forgot to plow
stars flickered
as we tried remembering
constellations
and slugs harvested
garden greens
in the garden soil
we forgot to plow as
we waited for moonrise
atop the roof
​

Below are the pages from my notebook.  I decided to write the 2010 poem as a pantuom in 2016. So for class I looked at the sounds by color coding sounds and thinking about revisions such as moving it to present tense.
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I've been thinking about the comments and feedback from class. One thing I have spent time with over the past few days is the purpose of this poem. For me, it's the dreamlike quality of waiting for the moon to rise in late summer.  It's a magical moment.  A comment was made about the word "pummel".  The idea of watermelon seeds flying through the sky makes me smile but I wondered if pummel was the best word for this dream like poem. So I changed the word, Same with the line, "Then Ursa Major growls, bares her teeth".  I love that image but I was it what I really wanted?  So I made a change in that line as well. 
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In Grandmother’s Garden
by Jone Rush MacCulloch
 
We wait for moonrise
in grandmother’s garden
Below us, beets, the lesser moons grow
loamy soil between our toes

 in grandmother’s garden
we search for slinking nightcrawlers
loamy soil between our toes
watermelon seeds soar through the sky

 we search for slinking nightcrawlers
slugs harvest zucchini flowers
watermelon seeds soar through the sky
as stars in a celestial bowl

slugs harvest zucchini flowers
purple-blackberries ripen on vines

as stars in a celestial bowl
nectar bats hover low 
 
purple-blackberries ripen on vines
below us, beets, the lesser moons grow

nectar bats hover low
We wait for moonrise


Five Winners for a Copy of HOP TO IT
​edited by
Janet  Wong and Sylvia Vardell

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CONGRATULATIONS TO 

Irene Latham
Michelle Kogan
Sara Lewis Holmes
Bridget Magee
Carol Labuzetta

Please HOP TO IT and email me at macrush53 @ yahoo dot com with your snail mail address so the books can be sent out mid-October.
Much thanks to Pomelo Books for providing copies.
Linda Baie link
10/2/2020 12:37:43 pm

I love the "stars in a celestial bowl/nectar bats hover low" and enjoyed seeing the changes, Jone.

Tabatha
10/2/2020 12:50:20 pm

Good job capturing the dreamlike quality you were striving for! Your poem creates a mood that is otherworldly and earthy at the same time. 💜

Becky Herzog link
10/2/2020 01:29:32 pm

Thank you for sharing your revision process. I am always curious on how to revise. It can feel so daunting! Your poem is wonderful!

Linda Mitchell
10/3/2020 02:21:07 am

Oh, Jone! You had me at waiting for moonrise....and then the lesesr moons of the beets below. Wow. Well done. A gorgeous poem. I hope you share this with others in your generation who remember this Grandma.

Bridget Magee link
10/3/2020 07:43:04 am

Thank you for this peek into your revision process, Jone! Fascinating! And the resulting poem is wonderful. It must be a treat to take one of Georgia Heard's classes, as well. I'm excited to win a copy of Hop to It! A poetry book in English is hard to find readily here in Switzerland. (I will give you my US address and my sister will ship it to me in Switzerland.) Thank you again! : )

Ruth link
10/3/2020 11:13:36 am

Very cool to see the process! Thanks for sharing this lovely poem.

Carol Varsalona link
10/3/2020 07:50:14 pm

Jone, i appreciate your revision story. It is always great to read through someone else's notebook process. Words that sparkle for me are moonrise and celestial bowls. I also like the flow of the poem and the pattern you use to continue the thread of thought.

Mary Lee
10/4/2020 04:33:41 am

I adore process posts! Thanks for giving us this peek into your revisions!

Robyn Hood Black link
10/4/2020 07:40:21 pm

I love your "lesser moons," Jone, and the peek into your revision process! Dreamy result, indeed. Thanks for sharing! :0)

Laura Shovan link
10/5/2020 04:55:53 pm

Thanks for sharing these peeks into your process, Jone. Those celestial watermelon seeds -- I'm imagining looking up at the summer night sky.


Comments are closed.

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    All photos and poems in these blog posts are copyrighted to Jone Rush MacCulloch 2006- Present. Please do not copy, reprint or reproduce without written permission from me.

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