Jone Rush MacCulloch
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Poetry Friday, Week 23: Revising an Mysterious Poem

6/10/2021

 
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Welcome to Poetry Friday.  It is being hosted by Carol at Carol's Corner.  She's introducing us to poet, Jeannette Encinias.  
I was clearing out an old computer and discovered the following poem.  I am not exactly sure of the date it was written but I suspect in 2008 or 2009. I don't really remember writing it. I decided to revise it for sharing today.
​UPDATE:  Apparently the original poem was in this post in 2010.



Just Two Kids

just two kids, sister and brother
who played hide n’ seek
as we rambled down the street
me afraid of quicksand, you collected blue bellied lizards.

played hide n’ seek
until dusk’s blanket hid us all
me afraid of quicksand, you collected blue bellied lizards
I escaped inside a book while you looked through a telescope

 until dusk’s blanket hid us all
nightly routines: dishes, homework, practice the violin
I escaped inside a book while you looked through a telescope
parents sat at the kitchen table, drinks in hand
​
nightly routines: dishes, homework, practice the violin
television droned on and on, with the body counts
parents sat at the kitchen table, drinks in hand
I plotted my escape to college

television droned on and on, with the body counts
as we rambled down the street
I plotted my escape to college
just two kids, sister and brother

©jone rush macculloch, draft 2008, 2009?

Just Two Kids

just two kids, sister and brother
who played hide n’ seek and rambled down the street
orange blossoms permeated the air
one afraid of quicksand, the other collected blue bellied lizards.

who played hide n’ seek and rambled down the street
until dusk’s blanket hid us all
one afraid of quicksand, the other collected blue bellied lizards.
one escaped inside a book while the other looked through a telescope

until dusk’s blanket hid us all
nightly routines: dishes, homework, practice the violin
one escaped inside a book while the other looked through a telescope
parents sat at the kitchen table table , drinks in hand

nightly routines: dishes, homework, practice the violin
television droned on and on, with the body counts
parents sat at the kitchen table, drinks in hand
one plotted an escape to college, the other joined the service

television droned on and on, with the body counts
orange blossoms permeated the air
one plotted an escape to college, the other joined the service
just two kids, sister and brother

©jone rush macculloch, revised-probably still a draft, 2021
Carol Wilcox link
6/10/2021 08:32:09 pm

Wow! I can't believe you forgot you wrote this! It definitely needs to be out in the world! So gorgeously crafted!

Gail Aldous
6/10/2021 11:28:24 pm

Wow, what an excellent poem with such a difficult form! I agree with Carol. I love your addition of "orange blossoms permeated the air" and how the sense of smell brings the reader in. My favorite line is "until dusk's blanket hid us all." How I love all the detailed images. I also love the effect this contrasting line "television droned on and on, with the body counts" gives to the rest of the poem. Wow! Are you referring to the Vietnam War? Maybe this poem could lead you to writing a verse novel. Your poem keeps replaying in my mind; I love that.

Linda Baie link
6/11/2021 06:56:39 am

Beautiful additions with those orange blossoms, Jone. I love the looking back about you and your brother, the set details of what made each of you "you" & that background of 'body counts' and 'drinks in hand' fixes the time exactly. I'm glad you found, revised, & shared again!

Denise Krebs link
6/11/2021 10:12:48 am

I too like the addition of orange blossoms, as it really helps us know the setting more. The poem speaks of family and growing and leaving--escaping even to college and the service. I like that you revisited your poem after more than a decade.

Ruth link
6/11/2021 12:13:01 pm

I like the third person. Great revisions!

Linda Mitchell
6/12/2021 03:55:34 am

I like how this poem is so dreamy and like anyone's evening until that phrase "body counts" and I am plunked right down into a specific time and place and can even see what the place looked like in my mind's eye. I agree with Carol. Keep this one going...there's a treasure here.

janice scully link
6/12/2021 07:10:24 am

Your poem reminds me of my growing up with brothers, and then having them join the service in the late sixties. Lovey poem, Jone, and revision. It's great that you dusted it off and shared it.

Mary Lee
6/13/2021 01:01:29 pm

I like the change to third person, and the pantoum form works well with this. Three cheers for discoveries and revisions!

Carol Varsalona link
6/13/2021 06:33:45 pm

Jone, you did a great job of revising your poem. I think it is a powerful piece, reflective and introspective. I agree with others about changing to the third person. It has enhanced your piece.


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